I don’t experience anxiety often, anymore. Every now and then I’ll feel a little off, a little jittery. But I am not usually faced with that familiar dread that comes with anxiety. I sometimes forget to be thankful for how good of a place I am in life. I’ve been so strong, so comfortable with interacting with other people, hell I even booked a booth at a craft fair last weekend and stayed for about five hours without a hint of fear.
Today, I woke up feeling a little off. Not long after I got everything ready to get in the car with Brian and Mads to head toward Knott county for the Rose Thanksgiving dinner, I had stomach cramps that reminded me of labor pains (I get those every so often, they’re horrific). I ran to the bathroom, more anxious than I had been in a long time. My heart was racing, my ears were ringing, my head was buzzing, I was hot and cold at the same time and I was convinced I was going to vomit, which is a very, very real phobia of mine. I called for Brian to come to the bathroom, where he found me sitting against the wall in front of the toilet, pale and sweaty, hardly able to whisper anymore words from the fatigue I was experiencing. He asked if I was okay, and I said I was having anxiety and needed him to get me a cold wash cloth and to bring the fan to blow on my face. He did both, and asked if I needed anything else. I nearly pleaded him to just tell me I would be okay, that this would pass.
It did after a few moments. I didn’t vomit (thank God, oh thank you Lord) but I did have a very upset stomach (if you catch my drift). My stomach felt better and I my head was once again above the drowning waters we call anxiety. But now I had to face the fact that I would be in a car for 2 hours with an upset stomach, the fear of being sick somewhere besides my own home, and the realization that it’s Thanksgiving Day and I would be surrounded by food.
What a freaking kick in the gut. But really.
I slept on the way there, enjoyed some time with family and the kiddos, and eventually felt good enough after resting on the drive home to fight the Black Friday crowd at Walmart with Brian and Mads. We came out with some Christmas gifts, 3 skeins of yarn, and a surprise Shopkins toy for Mads.
Now as the night goes on, I have this stabbing, ripping feeling in my upper left stomach that comes and goes. I’m really trying to lean on God for strength right now and not be anxious.
Anxiety is the ugliest of beasts that rears its head when you do or don’t expect it, at any given moment, for any reason or no reason at all. Anxiety is the problem. You are not a problem for having it. If anyone makes you feel that way, educate them. If they still don’t give you support, tell them to shove it, and throw a book about empathy for anxious people in their face and drop the mic.
I can’t decide if I want to play the Sims 4 or go snuggle up with my Sugar and our Rosebud. I’m feeling a little better since I’ve written about my day and not tortured myself with nasty thoughts about what other things might happen.
Goodnight out there. I hope you had a wonderful and delicious Thanksgiving today. ♥